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Sci Fi Drinking Songs

by Marc Gunn

The Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster t’s the drink I never could master It’s like having your brains smashed out by a lemon, Wrapped ’round a gold brick The Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster Just one look I’m off the wagon faster It’s like a mugging, a beating, a kick in the head I’m broke and I wish I were dead. I’ve hitchhiked intergalactic super highways The bypass, back roads, all along the byways At every stop, at every bar The Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster hits me like a car I’ve had porters, stouts, ales and lagers Rum, Coke Whiskey and lots of Jager I’ve had 42 different kinds of wine But there’s only one drink to unhinge my mind It’s got that Ol’ Janx Spirit juice from a bottle Pour into one measure of Santraginus seawater I’d make another gallon if I could remember how it went But the last time I drank it, I lost 3 months rent The whales, the dolphins, the mices, too, They all know about this brew. The Vogon warn about it in their verse But, of the two, I’m not sure which is worse. So all you hitchhikers take my advice Don’t drink it once, don’t drink it twice If you drink it at all, drink it very carefully Tho if you drink it all, you’ll die quite cheerfully!
1. Doctor went back in time, confident and clever Doctor went where he planned, well hardly ever Doctor goes off with his new gal today Strictly platonic, Doctor of Gallifrey Face all the dangers, Doctor of Gallifrey Don’t blink at Angels, Doctor of Gallifrey Dress like a Cricket man, and don some celery Who’s your designer, Doctor of Gallifrey? 2. Doctor wears jackets, colored like toucans Doctor wears bow ties, he says they’re cool man Flies a police box, Time Lords get in the way Play your recorder, Doctor of Gallifrey You see the Master, Doctor of Gallifrey Run a bit faster, Doctor of Gallifrey The honeymoon suite, made Amy and Rory’s day Check out his UNIT, Doctor of Gallifrey 3. Doctor has fought with Daleks and Autons Doctor has saved all the worlds that he’s fought on Except for the one, he screwed up royally Tell me now Doctor, what happened to Gallifrey? Travels through time and space, Doctor of Gallifrey Sometimes regenerates, Doctor of Gallifrey Doesn’t that scarf get hot or in the way? Have a Jelly Baby, Doctor of Gallifrey 4. Take on the Cybermen, and be not afraid And as with Microsoft, avoid the upgrade They will delete, or possibly something worse Just like the Borg from that other universe The Silence attack again, Doctor of Gallifrey Daleks are back again, Doctor of Gallifrey If there’s no handicapped ramp they will exterminate Wipe them from time itself, Doctor of Gallifrey 5. Rose is the bad wolf, Susan will keep her wits K-9’s a robot, Peri has big… eyes River’s reversed, Captain Jack goes every way Here’s to companions of Doctor of Gallifrey Martha’s a doctor too, Doctor of Gallifrey Zoe’s as smart as you, Doctor of Gallifrey Jaime where’s your trousers, I think they went that-a-way Please take me with you, Doctor of Gallifrey
Bring me home, boys, bring me home. Bring me home, boys, bring me home. Go and tell my momma I died a man. And when my breath has left, bring me home. My sergeant said, boy, don’t you run. I don’t care if the alliance comes. I saw him die, but I took a stand. So go and tell my papa I died a man. I was brave, boy, as best I can. I felt my gun shake, as a shot a man, But bullets pierced my heart, can’t feel my hands. Now go and tell my brother I died a man Just you and me, boy, are left alive. But I can tell, not long, until I die. I did not run cause you’re my friend. So go and tell my sister I died a man.
I thought I heard Jayne Cobb say Reavers Malcolm, Reavers We’ve got to get going ‘fore they come our way And we’re running from the Reavers (chorus) Reavers, Malcolm, Reavers Oh Reavers Malcolm Reavers For we’re sailing fast with the firefly aglow and we’re running from the reavers Lead us Malcom, lead us with that grin Reaver’s Malcolm, Reavers There’s many a worse spot that we’ve been in Except while running from the reavers River knocked out Jayne, that’ll never get old Reavers Malcolm, Reavers She’s like a weapon that is out of control For Miranda and the Reavers Are you sure you wanna go near Reaver space? Reavers, Malcolm, Reavers Where does it get fun to cut up your face? Now we’re running from the Reavers They all lay down and fell dead asleep Reavers Malcolm, Reavers I wonder if they dream of homicidal sheep? ‘Cause the rest turned into Reavers Wash is an ace, he’s a leaf on the wind Reaver’s Malcolm, reavers And though he was great, whedon did him in While we all ran away from reavers
Look at the corpses, bloated and rotting Isn’t it grand boys to be walking undead? (brains, Brains, BRAINS!) No time for praying Just time for a bloody last cry And always remember the slower you run, The sooner you’ll bloody well die Look at the people, screaming in terror Isn’t it grand boys to be walking undead? (brains, Brains, BRAINS!) Look at the preacher, feasting on choir boys (nothing new) Isn’t it grand boys to be walking undead? (brains, Brains, BRAINS!) Look at the widow, she’s next on the menu Isn’t it grand boys to be walking undead? (brains, Brains, BRAINS!) Look at the flowers, crushed under molded feet Isn’t it grand boys to be walking undead? (brains, Brains, BRAINS!) Look at the whiskey, let’s down the whole barrel Then it’s so grand boys to go hunting undead (brains, Brains, BRAINS!) Look at the tombstone, see how it’s shifting Up comes the hands of another undead (brains, Brains, BRAINS!)
A long time ago before Vader's sexual peak. I met him there on Tattooine. He drank like he was Greek. His momma said he's been this way since he was only three. Qui Gon in awe said, "He's the one to fulfill the prophecy." Qui Gon took young Anakin the Council for to see. But Yoda said, "Afraid am I, drink irresponsibly." So Qui Gon told Anakin, "Watch how I drink and all" Then poor old Qui Gon drank too many shots with Darth Maul. So drink yourself a shot of scotch, then down a pint of beer Do not think that you can drink that boy under a chair. Because Anakin will slam a beer with a lassie on each knee. And when he finally sobers up, a sith at last he'll be. C3P0 was well-designed to be a great bartender. He could make six million drinks and put you on a bender. With R2D2 by his side, he had a keg on wheels And for Amadala, Ani drunk had extra FORCE appeal I told my master Qui Gon Jinn I'd teach the boy to drink. "No more than just one pint an hour." Said Anakin, "That Stinks! Amidala likes me best when I'm all liquered up." So he used the force to bring a round, then knocked the lassie up. [solo] When we drink, drunk we get. When drunk we are, free of distraction are our minds. When free of distraction, one with the Force we become. So drunk let's get and become one with the Force. (Hurry, we must. Jedi Happy Hour starts at 5.) Meanwhile, Chancellor Palapatine needed a new lush. He ordered grog for Anakin so he'd never sober up. The twins were born but how I wish that one more thing could be. That all the fans were all quite drunk with Star Wars 1 through 3.
Rat robbed a dragon level 32 beware, Little did he know it was Tiamat’s lair Runt went to Tiamat to seek is revenge, is hairy halfling toes were completely singed Dag was backstabbed drinking beer, What a way to end his career! Those are characters who died, died, Those are characters who died, died Those are characters who died, died, Those are characters who died, died They were all my characters, and they died. Kablina wore a Quiver of Ehlonna on his back, A Staff of the Magi he wielded for attacks With magic rings and cloaks and spells he couldn’t lose A giant got a crit, he was knocked out of his shoes Kablina saved kingdoms for heaven’s sake, I can’t believe he died. Keff was bitten by an ugly lycanthrope, He lived a happy life, but was strangled by a rope Sir Feta was a Paladin and defender of the faith He was killed by undead and came back as a wraith That wraith killed King Zimbar. They were characters of mine! Cathng was an elf, who wasn’t quite right He hacked off body parts and started organ fights He took on a horde of hobgoblins all alone Body parts started flying one caught him with a bone Cathng only smiled at the irony. Before he died. A roll of the dice and Cu Stronghold was the best With his falchion sword and leather armor on his chest He summoned a pseudo dragon and rode a magic rug Til his familiar was enfeebled by one of his own thugs. Then Cu was killed by his enfeebled dragon. Why did they have to die? Nehaunta was a cleric as wise as can be. He got a ring of wishes while only level three. What kind of dungeon master would let him raise his stats It was me so I killed him off with some vampire bats. I don’t remember him, but he died. Creld was a magic-user, thief acrobat A good grey elf with a familiar black cat No way he to be defeated while in the Dirkwood Forest His psionics got him killed in a battle with a florist. A florist? Is that really what happened? How did he die? Delmar was a figher of great reknown He fought so well that he won the Greyhawk throne With a thousand hit points in a Monty Haul campaign He died fighting Gods and I had to flush him down the drain Delmar should’ve died sooner. He was a character of mine. I found all these characters in a notebook from youth The memories flooded back and I’m telling you the truth I look back now and wonder how on earth I lasted With so many characters lying dead in their caskets I have so many fond memories… Of how they all died!
Oh, my father was a halfling, from Hobbiton was he My mother was an elfmaid, and in Mirkwood dwelleth she They met once, only briefly, under an old oak tree It was a worthy venture. Nine months later there came me Oh, I feel so strange and mixed up, I hardly know myself For my father was a hobbit and my mother was an elf Too tall to hide inside a log, too short to climb a tree Dear Dad was only 3 foot 6 while Mom was 6 foot 3 I’ve bright blue eyes and long blond hair, so how do you suppose I ended up with curly braids a growin’ from my toes Raised in Thranduil’s castle, the forest was my home But always over hill and dale I felt inclined to roam Every evening Mum and I through the woods did stroll Til one night just like Dad, I went a-rollin’ down the hole One day upon his doorstep I per-chanced to be And when I rang the doorbell, he invited me to tea We began to get aquainted as he showed me round the place “So, how’s your Mum?” he asked of me, a sly grin on his face Now as the heir apparent to all their worldly goods, I’ve half a hillside in the Shire and acreage in the woods. They took a ship to Valinor and sailed across the sea, And left me on my own to choose the Smial or the Tree.
Romulan Ale 03:10
When Vulcan was filled with emotions and war To pull them from extinction there arose but one man Surak deplored, “Emotions are bad. Suppress all your feelings and logic will stand.” Some Vulcans departed for Romulus they charted No logic to guide them, they still did not fail Then they started brewing, a blue mixture stewing That swept the whole quandrant. It’s Romulan Ale Romulan Ale, boys, Romulan Ale No liquor in space is like Romulan Ale Romulan Ale, boys, Romulan Ale No liquor is quicker than Romulan Ale You Vulcans and Humans, Ferengi, Bajorans When once you have tasted, you know it’s a shame That Romulan Ale was banned in all Quadrants One sip and you’re drunk. Do you remember your name? You’ll be a star gazer. It’s better than phasers. To open your mind when diplomacy fails Illegal it may be, but don’t let that stave thee Just serve all those Klingons some Romulan Ale. You captains may hide from Federation eyes Be thankful that they won’t see you tomorrow morn When you grab a pretty ensign to take away your tension She’ll pull you straight to her as you fall through her door You’ll kiss her sweet lips, then stumble through the ship She’ll tell all her friends, the captain she nailed Intoxicating nectar, Klingon blood wine’s no better Than a big gallon jug of that Romulan Ale You doctors who use it for medicinal fun Better stick to your potions and hypos and pills It may help you forget the exwives that you stunned But your left with your bones and barely a will Romulans they noticed these effects were a bonus An extra added way to conquer the frail Export this blue liquor, emotions fall quicker. Just spike Vulcan water with Romulan Ale
La La Geeks 02:15
Free Brains 03:32
If I turned into a zombie Would you still be friends with me Because my neck is drenched in blood And I’m craving your flesh to eat But if I die here, I’m sorry Shawn It’s been a gas and I’m not ashamed But I won’t stop til you stop laughing Or until I get to eat your brains! I think I wanna eat your brains As long you don’t bash in my brains Please don’t bash in my brains Bye-bye, Shawn, you’re a real good friend Though you are whipped and I’m in chains I bet Liz won’t be happy if I bite you while playing video games. But if I die here, I’m sorry Shawn It’s been a gas and I’m not ashamed And I won’t stop til you stop laughing Or until I get to eat your brains! Oh maybe I will eat your brains Doncha know I want your brains Brains! Brains! Brains!
*Freedom’s a spark in the heart of the Black and the Browncoats are aimin’ to take our ‘Verse back Serenity Valley broke many a man but the Browncoats keep flyin’ as best as we can. Our fight weren’t for glory or gold or for guns. Our fight was for freedom for our daughters and sons. Sure there are comforts we lost ‘long the way and many a Browncoat’s still hunted today. But our prize is the freedom to follow the stars and to know that whatever we hold to is ours. Oh, the Black has its dangers– like Reavers and thieves– but it goes on forever, as free as you please. So we’ll try our luck there till it beats us at last… Our faces turned forward, our hearts in the past. So band with us brothers, wheree’er you might be and remember the lessons of Serenity– For Browncoats stood tall when they gave us their worst, and there are no finer men in the whole of the ‘Verse. And the Browncoats keep flyin’ as best as we can…
Says my Jedi to your Jedi, "Will ya' come to the cantina?" Says your Jedi to my Jedi, "I'm surprised that I never have seen ya'" I'm in there most every night the cantina in Mos Eis - ley Where the bartender thinks I pay for my drinks and always tip quite nicely! Chorus: What are ya' havin'? Will ya' have a pint? Yes I'll have a pint on you Sir! Use a little mind control, we're Jedi don't ya' know And we'll drink for free at the boozer! Says my Jedi to your Jedi, "Will ya' come to the Jedi's Dargle?" Says your Jedi to my Jedi, "Sure I lost my money to Watto" "I've been to Mos Eisley town To see old Ben Keno-bi. But he wouldn't give me half a crown And he acted like he didn't even know me!" (Chorus) Says my Jedi to your Jedi, "Will ya' come ta' the pod day races?" Says your Jedi to my Jedi, "For the price of my Jedi braces" I went to Mos Eisley town To find a fast podracer But Watto wouldn't give me one credit Not even for my lightsaber (Chorus) What are ya' havin'? Will ya' have a pint? Yes I'll have a pint on you Sir! But if you're causin' any harm cuttin' off an arm You'll be thrown out of the boozer.
Life is unfair, so they tell me, Because they think I wouldn't know. They only can see a cheap gimmick On their children's favorite show. They say, "Oh, that's just foam and a wire, Attached to a green velvet sleeve, Anyone can do that" -- well, that's true, I suppose, But who else could make them believe? What can I say without you there to guide me? How else am I supposed to give? How can I sing without you there beside me? How else am I supposed to live? You could never just do the expected, I was just an idea in a bog, But you sewed up your dream and we made quite a team, Jim and Kermit, a boy and his frog. It was me, Rolph, and you, but I think that he knew There was something that you and I had. The magic we made just kept growing, And none of it ever was bad. Then came Ernie and Scooter and Gonzo, Doctor Teeth, Cookie Monster, and more. But now all of those voices are silent, And I want to go on... but what for? No one can make me what you did, No one could walk in your shoes, Nothing can make me forget you, But that's not a thing that I'd choose. I can't just let it be over, And you wouldn't want it that way, So I'll stand up and I'll face it, And, though not quite in your voice, I'll say: I will go on without you there to guide me, There's so much more I can give. Whenever I sing, you will be there beside me, As long as I keep you, you'll live. We just wanted to make people happy, I was always much more than your toy. I will never regret and I'll never forget What we had, I'll miss you, Dad, This frog and his boy.
I love a sailor; the sailor loves me, And sails ev'ry night to my home. He's not a sailor that sails o'er the sea, Or over the wild briny foam; For he owns and air-ship and sails up on high. He's just like a bird on the wing, And when the shadows of evening draw nigh, He'll sail to my window and sing: CHORUS: Come, take a trip in my airship. Come, take a sail 'mong the stars. Come, have a ride around Venus. Come, have a spin around Mars. No one to watch while we're kissing, no one to see while we spoon, Come take a trip in my airship and we'll visit the man in the moon. One night, while sailing away from the crowds, We passed through the milky white way, Just idly sailing and watching the clouds. He asked me if I'd name the day. And right near the dipper, I gave him my heart. The sun shines on our honeymoon. We swore from each other we never would part And teach all the babies this tune:


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In one hand, a pint of Mudder’s Milk, in the other a bottle of Romulan Ale. Sing and laugh along with this Celtic Geek musical gem.

A Jedi saunters up to the bar at the Pub at the End of the Universe. “Gimme a Romulan Ale.”

“I’m sorry,” the Publican replies, “That’s still illegal.”

“What?! It’s been 52 million years and the universe is about to explode. Surely, you can serve it NOW?!”

“I’m sorry, Sir,” he replies apologetically, “And please don’t call me Shirlely.”

“All right, I’ll take a mudder’s milk, Monahan’s, please”.

Drinking can be found throughout the universe from Earth to Praxis, from Canton to Skaro. Come on, you know Davros was drinking something when he came up with the Daleks. In fact, I think The Doctor was there drinking with him.

What’s just as prevalent as drinking in the galaxy?

Drinking songs.

In fact, Sci Fi Drinking Songs aren’t just about drinking. They’re fun songs that you and I can sing along to while we’re in cars traveling to a Sci Fi Convention or Renaissance Festival. They’re songs we put on in the background while playing Dungeons & Dragons or Magic:The Gathering.

Sci Fi Drinking Songs are fun songs designed to make us laugh, cry, smile, and above all SING!


released September 18, 2014




Marc Gunn Atlanta, Georgia

Marc Gunn is a rhythm and folk musician inspired by Celtic culture, science fiction, fantasy, and cats--Sci F'Irish music.

He breathes new life into the autoharp, which continues to surprise musical veterans and fans alike for its unique sound and spirited energy. It’s like a satirical jam session between The Clancy Brothers and Weird Al Yankovic.
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