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What Color Is Your Dragon?

by Marc Gunn

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Don't go drinking with hobbits. Sure, you'll [F]have a grand time all night long. But if you go drinking with hobbits, my friends You may not want to wake up at all. They were thoughtful and kind when they invited me to drink, A lone human among hobbitkind. They bought me a half, then another and one more And told stories of days long gone by. The brew was strong. My glass never empty, As if time stood still and bare. But when I awoke the next morning I felt like Old Smaug had been there. You may wonder how it all happened. Well, I'm still wondering what happened too. I had tea, dinner, and supper. Quite full, I thought I was through. But they insisted I come to the Flagon And drink to the health of new friends. But when I go there, I met more hobbit friends And the toasts seemed never to end. When the sun it rose the next morning, And I lifted my head from my drool, There were beer mugs spilled on the tables And hobbits lying next to their stools. A young hobbit lass grinned cross the barroom And nudged each of my new hobbit friends. Then sometime after second breakfast We all started drinking again. I left Hobbiton a few days later. My head it was swollen and sore. It felt like a dwarven anvil After a terrible war. I don't think I'll ever recover From the food, the drink, and the cheer. And I swear I'll never drink with hobbits again At least, not till I see them next year.
She was someone's daughter once And so a beautiful thing Her crooked nose and greenish skin, they Don't bother me. If she'd Stop trying to kill me I wouldn't care one bit That she was witch with a tiny hitch, Which was… The spellcasting itch. Now I'm running through the halls I'm running through the rooms I run into a closet and climb up on a broom. I fly up in the sky across the yellow moon But the witch's eye with a lustful gleam Wants a rabbit… For Halloween. She opened up her door, and saw That I was one ugly witch But it's Halloween and I trick or treat My witch mask is rich But her magic mirror on the wall Said, “She's uglier than thou.” And now I find sweat on my brow From her… Spellcasting tao. Now I'm running through the halls I'm running through the rooms I run into a closet and climb up on a broom. I fly up in the sky across the yellow moon But the witch's eye with a lustful gleam Wants a rabbit… For Halloween. You should know that I'm a rabbit And you are just a witch I know your mama loved you once, so I accept the glitch But once you drink that potion Your Genie on the wall Entralled will whistle his cat call And chase… You down the hall Then you're running through the halls You're running through the rooms You run into a closet and climb up on your broom You fly up in the sky across the yellow moon But the Genies's eye with a lustful gleam Wants you… For Halloween.
I never guessed the kind of trouble that was waiting for me When Old Bilbo took me in He was an odd kind a hobbit, but I didn't care He was family and my friend But on our birthday He gave me his ring And then Gandalf got all sour He told Samwise to aid me In the destruction of the Ring of Power Oh Samwise Gamgee was my best of friends As loyal as a friend can be He did so much more than gardening He listened and took care of me. And on Weathertop When I was stabbed By the Ring Wraith, I was frail Sam was there by my side Every moment in Rivendale Somewhere in the dark shadows of Mount Doom I guess I must have lost my mind But Sam was there to carry me Only friend's are so blind Without him I fear The Dark Lord would prevail And Middle-Earth would fall I'm thankful, Samwise. Cuz you taught me A real friend will help when you need crawl.
The Virgin Diet I've noticed a trend with knights young and old Counts, Dukes and even King Henry I'm told Their waists they are growing to sizes ten fold Now I see me a chance to make lots of gold So I wandered the world from England to France Climbed up high mountains, endured gypsy trances To find a bold diet at the tip of a lance But dragons were wisest with their eating stance. Of all the creatures under God's golden sun, Dragons are healthier than every one So I interviewed dragons about their sweet fun That keeps them from weighing much more than ten tons They sometimes eat cattle but only when spurned They sometimes eat crops but only when burned They drink lots of water after it's churned But the Virgin Diet is the secret I learned Virgins 1-2-3 Virgins to live healthily If you're on a diet then listen to me Eat virgins and live like a dragon you see Virgins 1-2-3 Virgins to live healthily Eat virgins when you diet, you'll see... Yes. Virgins are firm and succulent sweet They have no diseases so they're healthier to eat Fewer calories are found in a virgin than a fleet And strangely they're filling so you won't overeat. Plus, virgins are small and difficult to catch. They hide in small caves and run very fast This exercise makes them quite a fun match So keeping off weight is like mending a scratch. So I invented a diet Sir Atkins will crave Just eat plenty virgins and soon you will stave Off your foul hunger, no longer a slave Your appetite filled with the hand that you wave. The one problem now is the dragons are pissed The virgins are vanishing into the mist They are gaining weight and here is the twist Their blood pressure's so high they die hand over fist
Out of the rain, I came a-wandering Out of the rain, I swayed. I was wet. I was filled with sorrow From the love that I left in the glade. She said to me, “Sweep me away and marry me.” Thought to myself, “I will.” But when I came a-knocking on her front door. She said, “I'm in love still.” ch. How do you tell a woman you're in love with her When she's in love with a different man? How do you listen when she touts her loneliness And won't accept your hand. My mouth was dry as I listened to her story. And we strolled through the hillside gate. She said her love was in love with another girl. And my angel would wait. I tried to tell her, “Why wait for another man When I'm in love with you? Take my hand and I will marry you, She sent me from her view.
There was a pleasant peasant who was living a pleasant life, Grunting while she hunted for a pheasant to take to knife. She nightly sharpened up her knife for this tasty endeavor. And every eve, she fumbled home without pheasant cadaver. Fi fiddle-li-dee Sh-dee sh-dum Fiddle-li-de she-die One evening while a-wondering alone in empty woods, She saw a pheasant passing in the brush near where she stood. She stumbled over stunted stump. The pheasant watched with laughter As this former pleasant peasant passed out in the pasture. Unpleasantly the peasant ‘rose later with depression, Lying in a puddle o'mud with a dazed expression. The pheasant stood there staring at the most unpleasant peasant When a thought occurred to her that the peasant brought a present. The peasant saw the pheasant ‘proach, pleased with this decision, The peasant's knife flew for the life of pheasant with precision. The pheasant sounded like a fife and caught the knife in beak. While the panicked peasant picked a passage, ran away, and shrieked. The peasant stumbled over something that filled her cheeks with life. She fumbled over the pheasant beheaded by her knife. Now with a pleasant smile, the plucky peasant fumbled home To pluck the pheasant with the present the unpleasant pheasant stole. The peasant plucked the feathers and placed them in a pillow. Remembering the pheasant's face she freed a wicked giggle To the pleasant peasant, pheasant plucking's a very precious present (Til) She cooked the bird, choked on a bone, and died a death unpleasant. Fi fiddle-li-dee Sh-dee sh-dum Fiddle-li-de, she died!
She Said Her Name Was Saffron I met her on the Outer Rim. She was a beauty. There's no denial. We danced around the fire that night. In the morning, I awoke all smiles. But when my boat hit atmo, And she said that we were married. Twas then I vowed I'd never again Leave quick when I should tarry. She said her name was Saffron, A prize for work done well. I know we'd done some good works, But this time we must've excelled. For her smile it made my legs week And her breasts they made me weeze Oh if I was a different man, Then I'd show her the Real me. That night I found her in my bunk Lying naked in my bed. She gave me the Goodnight Kiss And I thought that I was dead. We'd all be but for Inyara… Oh, I wonder how she knew? But what I really wish is I could've seen The kiss between those two. But that's not the point of this song, right now, From this lesson I learned too well. If you take strange women into your bed You may end up in the Special Hell. Either pin her down or set her free Just don't let your plan go South. If that doesn't work, then follow Jayne's advice, “Never kiss them on the mouth.”
There's an airplane over Mongolia Mongolia, Mongolia There's an airplane over Mongolia And I don't know why it's gone. Some monkeys hijacked that airplane Oh that airplane, yes that airplane Some monkeys hijacked that airplane And they're flying it straight from Spain Through the wind and the snow and violent rain The violent rain, the greenish rain Through the wind and the snow and violent rain That blew from an elephant's brain. As the airplane crashes down outside Yes, down outside, oh down outside As the airplanes crashes down outside They whistle su-i-cide… is dangerous
A lusty young Sith by his ship stood a fighting, His cowl thrown back and his saber aglow, For to him a wholesome young Jedi came gliding To struggle and fight and her skill for to show. With a hum hum hum Hum hum hum In and out In and out Hum hum hum Hum hum hum In and out In and out Ho! “Your form,” said the Sith, “well it is quite impressive.” The Jedi replied, “I've worked hard to be so.” Then they went back at it; the Sith was aggressive, The Jedi returning each thrust blow for blow. Her Master, she said, had grown tired and sour, His strength in the Force faded out long ago. The Sith retorted, “Well I'm quite thick with power, “And I have much stamina, more than you know.” Red hot grew his saber through arduous labor; The Jedi grew tired going at her foe. It seemed at first Fate chose the Jedi to favor, But soon she came gasping and thrashed to and fro. Six times did his saber by vigorous thrusting Thus force the young Jedi from high point to low, But after a rest they fell back to it lusting, And Sith each time thrusting recoiled more slow. At last said the Jedi, in awe of his saber, “What would I give could my Master do so! “I ask you, young Sith, come spar here with me later, “But do me one more round before you do go.”
Sometimes my empathy is overwhelming. I feel like I can get inside your head. But there are times like last night When it feels like a fight To shade my love and fear To watch where you tread. I gotta admit that I am in love with you. And now and then I hear you say the same. But you live so far away And patience seems so gray That I can't tell if your love Is just a dwindling flame. I've a friend who helps me fly with my dreams. Then he drops me, and I crash into the sea. Now I swirl in despair Wondering if you care Enough to keep my dreams From falling to debris. I'm not sure what I need to allay my fears. I don't expect you to give more than you've done. But I'm in flight with my love, And the winds are rather rough. So I just hope that you'll join me For the setting sun.
If I were a horse and you were a mule, My heart would break all the same. I'd cry on your tail. All the while would I wail And refuse to eat my grain. Oh, listen to this sad story. Take head to the message I don't purvey. Cuz it'll make you feel blue, and I'll cry boo hoo. And I'll have to blow snot on my sleeve. If I were pig and you were a hog, Would that make us compatible or insane. We'd roll in the mud, and we'd hug, and we'd hug. And we'd play all day in the rain. If I were a cat, and you were a dog, Would you love me or tear me in two. Bite off my tail, rip the whiskers from my cheeks, And spill all my blood in the street. Did you listen to this sad story? Did you take head to the message I didn't purvey? Cuz it'll make you feel blue, and you'll cry boo hoo. And you'll have to blow snot on your shirt.
There's many a tale In these lands fit for tellin' And some of them sad, Like to bring the tears welling. But if you don't find These few stanzas too troublin' I'll sing the song of The last chicken in Dublin. There once was a cock Who lived down in the barnyard It won't be a shock That his life wasn't too hard. Cooped up with the hens Or in morning time crowing He lived like a king And had no thought of going. But life is quite cruel When you're only a chicken. You soon learn the rule: Folks find you finger-lickin'. The farmer came out With a cleaver and hatchet; The cock saw a train And he flew off to catch it. The train took him far To the east of the country The cock thought 'twas fine: “I shall dwell with the gentry!” He got off the train At the Connolly Station ‘Twas then he became The last chicken in Dublin. Now, Dublin's a town Full of hardship and famine; There's plenty of beer, But best not ask for gammon. So when the poor cock Flapped his wings and went looking To find him some corn, He was ripe for the cooking. He met with a maid Who was pushing a trolley; She gave him a look; Thus he first knew his folly. He flew with a squawk When she lunged for his gullet; She had to go back To her job: selling mullet. He sat on the stoop And he ruffled his feathers And almost got caught By a fellow in leathers. The pounce of a cat Missed but made his heart quicken; Things just don't look good For that hapless last chicken. “Alas that I came!” Crowed the cock in high dudgeon. “I never!” and then He was struck with a bludgeon. They plucked him all bare And hung him from the ceiling Though it wasn't fair And was cold and unfeeling. Now I must not fail, Out of motives the purest, To tell the true tale: He was fed to a tourist. And as of this date, In a pot he is bubblin'. Let's drink to his fate: The last chicken in Dublin!
Pig's Song 00:46
It was early last September As near as I can remember While strolling down a lane in tipsy pride Not a word did I utter As I lay down in the gutter And this pig came up and lay there by my side Not a soul was I disturbing As I lay there by the curbing When this high toned lady come And I heard her say You can tell a man who boozes By the company he chooses And the pig got up and slowly walked away
I heard a loud sound outside my drugstore So I stuck out my head A man stepped out of a blue telephone box And this is what he said, “Last night, with the help of that mailbox A hypernova gave birth Last night with the help of that mailbox I saved the planet earth.” He told me how an alien wrote a short letter As an introduction to the human race But when he licked the envelope, the glue touched his tongue And a hypernova collapsed in its place. This hypernova sent waves of destruction in its path A ladybug was the first to see, it's true She realized it could not pass through the steal mailbox So she telephoned her friend, The Doctor. Who? Well The Doctor he appeared outside the drugstore The letter he dropped in the mailbox Five minutes later he opened up the box and earth was saved Then The Doctor was arrested by the cops. He cried…
A long time ago, when Middle Earth was green There were all kinds of monsters that you've never seen They'd run around and slay to enforce the Dark Lord's rule But the deadliest of all were the nine Nazgul There were mean cave troll bashers and drakes with wings Some ugly black goblins and some Nameless Things Some worgs and wraiths and oliphants but the most cruel; The deadliest of all were the nine Nazgul Well the Dark Lord lost his finger, and it gave him pain He cried, “Find that which was called Isildur's Bane” He says, “Hey Witch King Angmar this I command to you: Kill Sam and Frodo too, (Then I'll rule with all of those…) Mean cave troll bashers and drakes with wings Some ugly black goblins and some Nameless Things Some worgs and wraiths and oliphants but don't be a fool Don't disappoint me Lord of the Nazgul The Witch King was there to answer the call He reached the Shire just as dusk started to fall He sliced through the guardsmen two by two And called out with each he slew. Hey Lord!… I've seen mean cave troll bashers and drakes with wings Some ugly black goblins and some Nameless Things Some worgs and wraiths and oliphants but Lord of the Nazgul Finally, found the Hobbits near Amon Sul Then the Nazgul chased Frodo through the open plain Until the Fords of Bruinen they finally came Wading and splashing through the river cool Oh those silly nine Nazgul. They were better than… The mean cave troll bashers and drakes with wings Some ugly black goblins and some Nameless Things The Witch King cried get the ring my nazgul Nothings going to hurt us in this oversized pool. Well, Gandalf was there at the other side The nazgul looked up from the rocks and they cried And then river horses came down and sort of washed them away That's why you'll never see a Nazgul to this very day Nor mean cave troll bashers and drakes with wings Some ugly black goblins and some Nameless Things Some worgs and wraiths and oliphants but be glad you fool You don't live in fear of the nine Nazgul. Now you might think this is the ending to the song But I have to tell you friends that in fact you'd be wrong Because Nagul, well, they're magical so when the river started roarin' They got some mounts with wings as a gift from Sauron Over the mean cave troll bashers and drakes with wings Some ugly black goblins and some Nameless Things But if you're looking for the Nazgul, can't wait for more The Witch King dies to Eowyn at the Battle Pel'nor.
Gollum Blues 03:33
Old Bilbo found a ring. It was The One Ring of the Dark Lord. Old Bilbo found a ring. It was The One Ring of the Dark Lord. Now I'm hunted by a schizo. Be it Smeagol or Gollum, he's out of his gourd. Sauron tortured Gollum, but the slimy runt got away. Yeah, Sauron tortured Gollum, but the slimy runt got away. Now he's leading me to Mordor, wonders if Sam and I are gay. * I got the Psychopathic, Chronic, Schziophrenic Gollum Blues. I got the Psychopathic, Chronic, Schziophrenic Gollum Blues. And if Smeagol don't betray me, …The Dark Lord'll make Headline News. …Sauron'll make the hobbits wear shoes. …Middle-Earth'll sing The Dark Lord Blues. …The Dark Lord'll serve hobbit stew. [tastes like chicken] …We'll lick stamps made from hobbit glue. …Samwise better learn some Kung Fu. At the Gates of Mordor, Smeagol said, “They ain't no way!” [They ain't no way, my Precious-s-s] At the Gates of Mordor, Smeagol said, “They ain't no way!” [Silly hobbits-s-s, follow Smeagol] Said, “I'll take you to Shelob. She'll have a hobbit filet.” Well, we climbed Mount Doom, but the ring made me all whacked. [Out of my mind] Yeah, we climbed Mount Doom, but the ring made me all whacked. [The precious-s-s is mine!] So Gollum bit the ring off, and did a Swan Dive in the Crack. I got the Psychopathic, Chronic, Schziophrenic Gollum Blues. I got the Psychopathic, Chronic, Schziophrenic Gollum Blues. And if Gollum'll just betray me, I'll finally take that Elven Cruise!
My father was a werewolf, a Marauder, one of four Who joined the Order and who fought for Albus Dumbledore My mother was an auror brave who sped upon her broom and loved the man with the scarred up face whose boggart was the moon Lord Voldemort rose again; I heard he caused some harm with cruel men in the silver masks and the Dark Mark on their arms Those Deatheaters had no fear, no shame and no remorse There were burning houses left behind and a hundred broken doors Come all ye wizards, hear the story of the ones that fell Buy me Fire whiskey and a beer, and heed the tale I tell If you have chocolate about you, repel those Dementors and if this story spooks your wits, I'll tell you something more. On a night-time visit he encountered some old friends and told them he was leaving, that his marriage he must end When Harry called him coward, the wolf rose in his eyes But he left to go back home to her and to apologize The Whomping Willow stands right there behind a wooded hill And I cannot pass by there without thinking about him still The Shrieking Shack stands in that field, its windows all a-gape, Haunted by his memory and the ghost of Severus Snape I believe he truly loved her, but both left me behind and fell in battle fighting for the rest of wizardkind My mother was an auror, my godfather’s the Chosen One, But my father was a werewolf and I am a werewolf's son Yes, my father was a werewolf, that makes me a werewolf's son.


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I hadn't even officially released "A Tribute to Love" when I started working on my next solo album--"What Color Is Your Dragon? Folk Music with Delusions of Grandeur".

The album started when I realized I have a LOT of songs recorded that are not yet available on full-length albums. I listened to many of them and realized most were filk songs.

So I decided that would be the main focus of this album. I would compile a list of songs on a variety of Sci Fi/fantasy genres including: Lord of the Rings, Bugs Bunny, Firefly, Star Wars, Dr. Who, and Harry Potter. Added to that would be a few songs I wrote a long, long time ago (not necessarily in a galaxy far away) and a few new songs exploring new musical genres (blues, in particular).

The result is my latest album available in August 2008--What Color Is Your Dragon?. The album features 17 tracks of fun music that one fan compared to the Brobdingnagian Bards' chart-topping album, "Brobdingnagian Fairy Tales".

That is kind of appropriate because the first song on the album, "Don't Go Drinking With Hobbits" was inspired by real-life event that happened several years ago at DragonCon when I went out drinking with hobbits and by the end of the weekend was so sick I had no voice to sing with. "The Virgin Diet" was a song inspired by another song popularized by The Bards called "Do Virgins Taste Better Medley", as well as the fan-produced magazine that arose from that song, The Medieval Virgin.

I get a lot of emails from fans with song lyrics. Now and then some songs really stand out and I record them. "The Nazgul Song" and "The Lusty Young Sith" were written by fans who decided to parody songs played by Brobdingnagian Bards. The lyrics made me smile so much, I decided they had to be recorded.

Nevertheless, "What Color Is You Dragon?" has taken on a life of it's own as I dug into my experience to write most of these songs about some of my favorite Sci Fi and fantasy fandoms. This was a wonderful way to share my love of those fandoms in song. I am happy to share this album with you.

Oh! A special thanks to Nikki O'Shea (www.dragonpressgraphics.com), the Bards Comic artist, who beautifully designed the CD cover. I hope you enjoy the new album.


released August 7, 2008

Marc Gunn: autoharp, vocals, banjo

Track 17 features Michelle Hedden on bodhran and Clif Haley on guitar




Marc Gunn Atlanta, Georgia

Marc Gunn is a rhythm and folk musician inspired by Celtic culture, science fiction, fantasy, and cats--Sci F'Irish music.

He breathes new life into the autoharp, which continues to surprise musical veterans and fans alike for its unique sound and spirited energy. It’s like a satirical jam session between The Clancy Brothers and Weird Al Yankovic.
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